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dRaInEd – Part 2

dRaInEd – Part 2

by October 21, 2014 0 comments

Just in case you missed the part 1, you can read it here.

I didn’t forgive myself for taking and acting on the advice of my cousin, so I went on with this heart locked, emotional trauma, hard saying and ever since then I started falling in and out of love without taking any guy that comes my way a serious chance to feel their love in my heart, moreover the heart was locked and the keys to unlock it is definitely missing to be found in the middle of the Atlantic ocean. I continued this way treating every relationship with every guy on a platonic basis, pretending to have fallen in love with the guy especially when the guy in question has fallen in love with me or wants something more serious with me, but immediately I realize this I will fall out of love then break up the relationship with flimsy excuses. You could say am cruel, but will I say I caused it or my immediate family did or my cousin did or my first love did. (“God forgive me for all those guys that love me but I didn’t love back, all those I cheated on and lied to”, where the prayers I told my new found friend to say immediately she told me this aspect of the story)

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I was already in year 3, continued with this attitude not caring about my first love or his new found love but about my own new philosophy and policy about relationships and matters relating to love. I realized that one of the guys that came disturbing as usual was not willing to let go of me, was not ready to take NO for an answer, after all I never promised anyone a serious relationship committing myself to marriage stuffs. He was a desperado, so to say, claiming that he is in love with me, and this got me of the track of my conjured policies and philosophies. Well I was already in part 3, sooner or later I will graduate from the college in about 8 months or there about and still I haven’t forgiven myself, my “ex” love and his girlfriend, let alone allowing a guy into my life.

This desperado, boy lover never left me alone, he was all over me, as a play girl that I was which you would call me, anytime I asked for anything whatsoever he tries all his possible best to get it for me. He was at my bet and call. It got so annoying that when I was ready to give him the usual icing on the cake I give to other guys i.e. falling out of love, but he wouldn’t just accept that from me. It got to a time I had to play along as usual. He said he loves me than any other. Wicked me! I once knew what it was to be in love, I felt the plight of this lover boy. I couldn’t tell him the secret behind the scenario of not reciprocating back the love he had for me because it was a secret I kept secret even to myself. After so many persuasions from friends and “lover boy” considering the gifts, messages, calls, showers of love, outing, dates and the likes for over a year and half, he asked me if I love him. Oh! What a wonderful avenue to fall out of love. I bluntly and gallantly said a NO! With an upper case! He was awestricken but that was the blatant and bitter truth. He couldn’t believe his ears and he felt so bad. I never cared because breaking the heart of men was my hobby so to say after I was heartbroken by my “first love”

After so many weeks of telling him the truth I consider bitter. We stopped communicating, he stopped the love messages, calls and so on and I was glad because that was what I wanted after all I didn’t lose , I didn’t care and I was waiting earnestly for another lover boy who will come my way and start afresh in showering me with new love which I know I was going to fall in and out of sooner or later since dating a guy is like changing dresses, but little did I know that “my lover boy” was planning and strategizing new ways to make me love him. Would you call that obsession, infatuation, lust or love? Whatever! To me it was all of the above apart from the last one which was out of it.

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My lover boy came back when I was in my finals in the college and he was really serious about getting married and settling down which I never thought of. He was already working, riding a posh car and he has got prospects like that of Martin Luther to have a home and family, and settle down with me, but what amazed me was, what people usually say that: “time heals wounds but leaves scars”. This is very true in my own situation. Why?, because anytime I see my first love my heart misses a beat, and am like “hey what’s wrong with you”, soliloquizing to myself, but the truth is, the seed of love he planted in my heart four years ago was still there, though I didn’t make it germinate but I kept on with life as a play girl, cheating on every guy that comes, missing heart beats when I see my first love, and posting my desperado boy lover and I felt my life was normal for me.

Before my last semester at the college, every of my colleague already had a serious relationship, including my “former naïve cousin except me”. Every other girl hangs out at nights with their husband to be, while I was hanging out with my play boys who I pretend to love. Then this feeling of mine started. The feeling that I have a problem, the feeling that lead me telling you this story (Me, my newfound friend told me). After thinking about it, moreover I am not getting any younger and most of my peeps were already in serious relationships, that would lead to marriage some day, then I thought within me, why I can’t give this lover boy a chance though in looks and perfection, he was not a compete to my first love. Only that he has got the lasting, enduring and patient affection my first love never had.

At last I decided to get serious but I realized that sometimes I couldn’t just get along with this lover boy. At intervals, either of us pick quarrels with each other, but what baffled me what that my lover boy too has got some past that my immediate family happen to be aware of. “That does remind me” (my newfound friend told me). Could you believe that the same family that said I was too young & vibrant to have a serious relationship when I was in level 1, 2nd semester, were the same people asking me when am I getting married, when I was already in level 4, second semester. What a life! “Back to my story”, (she told me). Lover boy had past that he told me about but my immediate family also knows about it without even telling he. I was shocked and surprised!. “How did they know?” This posed another barrier to my saggy relationship with lover boy. I thought within myself, “why is there always problem with my immediate family and people I want to have an emotional relationship with?” Anyway, I didn’t give it a second thought because I was not even ready for it deep down my heart.

REFRESH FOR PART 2 Loved Ones
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